Friday, May 3, 2013

Learning how to Trust.

[I will warn you ahead of time. This blog is long. Stick with me.]

At once the father of the boy gave [an eager, piercing, inarticulate] cry with tears, and he said, Lord, I believe! [Constantly] help my weakness of faith! (Mark 9:24 AMP)

My unbelief. A weakness for any living being. The areas of trust..are so much easier said than done. And I will explain that in a little..

So often when my life feels like it is in pieces and I feel like I'm one thread away from unraveling into a bowl like spaghetti, it's because my perspective has changed. I start thinking my problems are bigger than my God--that my mountains are too big for my huge mountain moving Father. 

I doubt. Disbelief. The slithery lies sneak in. I start to doubt my purpose, my value, and my name. All of a sudden, I forget the works of the Lord and only remember all of the disappointments. 

Most people who know me, know I haven't been sleeping (sorry to the ones who live with me and see the grouchy consequences of that). Yet, how quickly we can snooze off spiritually. Never fall asleep. Constantly put on the armor (Ephesians 6), get in the Word, and stay connected. The winding and paralyzingly road of distrust can lead to a dark pit. From experience I know it leads to a dark place. I hate getting stuck.

It's a daily fight, a constant surrender, and a hard and challenging process. This just "living". This taking your hands off of the wheel. It is easier said than done Carrie allow Jesus to take the wheel.

This makes me think of my mom. My brother lives in the mountains out in Pennsylvania. Around the town, if needed, she would probably allow someone else to drive. It wouldn't be a terrible fight to take over. But, at night, on the winding mountain roads--ha! yeah right. It would be a battle to the death. She grips the wheel tight, is in constant stop-go-mode, eyes focused forward, trying to maintain complete control, not knowing what to expect around the bends--she for sure is not letting anyone take over. She will be the one to drive that trip. 

I'm not making fun of my mom (and honestly she is the only one I trust driving on those roads). But I think it is such a picture of what I do with Christ. In "town", where it's familiar and comfortable--God why don't you take this one. But that road up ahead, the one where I have never been, where I don't know what's around the corner, where it's not nicely lit--let me just hold on. I grasp and cling to the steering wheel. 
Where is the trust?

Another warning: I am well aware this dream is going to sound cheesy, like it came from a Hallmark Christmas movie..bear with me...

This was my dream last night: I was walking on the beach. There was nothing out of the ordinary. Walking along where the waves meet the shore, I was searching for a sand dollar. Seashells are cool but since living at the beach I have only found 4 sand dollars. They are a rare find..a gift. So here I am, on a frantic search for this treasure. And I keep hearing..Seek Me. Seek Me. Search for Me. In my dream, I came to this realization that I don't seek Him the same way I seek what He has to offer. He has so many treasures to give. Sometimes He surprises us with gifts. Other times they remain hidden, but that doesn't mean they aren't still available. We just have to seek the One who holds the map. Seek Me. Search for Me. 

Do we pursue God with all of our being? Do we know what it is, to search for Him? Have we been on the hunt for Jesus? If we seek Him--if we have the intimate closeness with the One who chose us--won't the trust come more naturally. Isn't it easier to allow someone we know, love and believe in, someone we have confidence in--isn't it easier to let go and let them take control?

This year, I have found myself on the floor very often. I think about those moments all the time. Even in my times of pure joy, I remember what it took to get me there. It is those raw, honest, intimate moments of total desperation..laying at the feet of Jesus...that I find the most pain...the most growth. 

Prayers have become...not a list of wants or a chore..but the power...the communication line that keeps me living. To believe in the Word. To trust what He says is true. To draw near to His throne of grace with bold confidence that He will hear my cries. Just to speak His name..a bold and radical move.

"Our most powerful prayers are linked to the promises of God. When you know you are praying the promises of God, you can pray with holy confidence. God said it, I've circled it, and that settles it for me." 
-Pastor Dad 

One more thought. 
We are reading a book, Follow Me, by David Platt in Bible Study. The last chapter we read, hit me deep. It talked about what it means to be a child of God. 

1 John 3:1 "How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God" 

We are His children. We know John 15, talks about how He chose us.

To choose us. This took me years to grasp. It contradicted my very insecure heart. That God would choose us when so often we are just an option, feel used, unappreciated. But God says, No..I choose to love, save, redeem, rename, mold, shape, and use you for a meaningful purpose.

But there is another whole side to this choice that I've never thought about. Why? Why did He choose us? Out of duty? Because He's God and that's what He does? No..because He WANTED to. This makes the tears start to run their familiar course. My Father chooses me because He wants to delight in me. Not out of cold duty but out of pure love.

My heart has a hard time believing this, because we put our own human attributes, insecurities and experiences on God. We think of all the reasons why we are unwanted and shouldn't be picked. All of the obvious reasons why it shouldn't work. He takes the risk. God's relentless love, continues to push through and break the walls built up in my heart.

I took some long, drawn out personality test a while back. It was supposed to show you how you handle conflict, approach problems, situations and life. Anyways, in the category of feelings vs. thinking. The norm is to be somewhere in the middle, usually leaning towards one side but generally having both. I am 96% feelings. That's ridiculous. Every time I think about that I want to either laugh or something "emotional". Because that's most of who I am. 

I frustrate myself more than anyone else on this planet. It's hard when half of the time you don't even understand what you are thinking or feeling because emotions overwhelm. I'm comforted that (psalm 139) He knows me inside and out. And even when the world can't handle me, when I am "too much" most of the time, and feel like a jerk because I make a mess wherever I go..I have to trust. I have to believe that (even if being tender hearted has never made life easier) He has made me this way for a reason...and wants me...chooses to use me and all of the 96% emotionalness that I am.

Through this season. Through the restless nights, the all out crying sessions, the painful moments of learning to let go...He has given me more of Himself. This is the Psalm I've been going to..

"Take my side, God—I'm getting kicked around, stomped on every day. Not a day goes by but somebody beats me up; They make it their duty to beat me up. When I get really afraid I come to you in trust. I'm proud to praise God; fearless now, I trust in God. What can mere mortals do?...

[You've kept track of my every toss and turn through the sleepless nights, Each tear entered in your ledger, each ache written in your book.]

If my enemies run away, turn tail when I yell at them, Then I'll know that God is on my side. I'm proud to praise God, proud to praise God. Fearless now, I trust in God; what can mere mortals do to me? 

God, you did everything you promised, and I'm thanking you with all my heart. You pulled me from the brink of death, my feet from the cliff-edge of doom. Now I stroll at leisure with God in the sunlit fields of life" (Psalm 56 MSG)

I never would trade the tossing and turning, the endless tears--for coming out on the other side and strolling with my Father in the sunlit how to trust.

Monday, April 8, 2013

Let Him Garden

It is amazing to me. The moments I do the most thinking, the times I write out the most thoughts, when I eagerly pour my heart and soul out to the Lord--is usually when I have gotten little to no sleep. I do not know if my words make sense in these moments or if the thoughts are full or put together. Yet in my complete exhaustion, I still find no rest because the Lord usually hides a good lesson in these sleepy-eyed days. 

Gardens. This is what I've been thinking about.

I have always loved playing in the dirt, being outside, yanking out reminds me of Little House on the Prairie. I think about how much God must love playing in the dirt too. He must love gardens. They show up at important moments.

In the beginning... 
"Then the Lord God formed man from the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath or spirit of life, and man became a living being. And the Lord God planted a garden toward the east, in Eden [delight]; and there He put the man whom He had formed..." (Genesis 2:7-9 AMP)

Eden...delight. What a delight it must have been to have perfect communion and one on one time with God. To walk, hear Him call us by name, and be all joy in the presence of the Creator. He delighted enough in man to allow him to walk openly and freely about.

We take freedom for granted. Always wondering what it would be like to be over there...on the other side. We chain ourselves to the wild ideas and stunt any growth that could take place right where God intended to plant us.

I think about how much life is in a garden. How much beauty, freshness, newness, colors, life, oxygen, peace, placid pure innocent sweet light can be found walking through a garden. 

Jesus was able to pray out in a garden, sweat drops of blood pouring His heart out. We find connection in the hideaway peace places of a garden. Is it because that is where we were always intended to be?

So what does this have to do with us? How does it apply to the ordinary of today? A friend recently asked how we can be sure to live and not just survive. I've wrestled with that question before. I do not know what the exact formula or best answer is. 

One lesson I have learned this season: Sometimes we spend so much time searching for answers when the Lord just wants us to search for Him. I get preoccupied with whether I am making the right decisions and choices that I forget how to be intentional about my seeking of Him. Remain, Abide, Dwell, Embrace Him. To stop struggling to break away. We find life in Him.

"I am the Vine, you are the branches...joined with me and I with you, the relation intimate and organic, the harvest is sure to be abundant. Separated, you can't produce a thing..."I've loved you the way my Father has loved me...If you keep my commands, you'll remain intimately at home in my love. That's what I've done—kept my Father's commands and made myself at home in his love. "I've told you these things for a purpose: that my joy might be your joy...This is my command: Love one another the way I loved you...Put your life on the line for your friends...I'm no longer calling you servants because servants don't understand what their master is thinking...No, I've named you friends because I've let you in on everything I've heard from the Father.

You didn't choose me, remember; I chose you, and put you in the world to bear fruit, fruit that won't spoil. As fruit bearers, whatever you ask the Father in relation to me, he gives you. "But remember the root command: Love one another." (John 15:5-17 MSG)

I made it through wrestling season...I lost. I was broken. And now we have come to Spring. Along with Spring comes the yard work...the heart work. God the vine...the main source of growth and life. Am I connected? Is there any fruit growing? God has a lot of gardening to do.

He is always calling our names. Calling us back to where we belong. In the garden of our hearts He wants to dwell, have one on one communion and walks. He still delights in us enough to chose us. To pursue us.

I love this moment--"On saying this, she turned around and saw Jesus standing [there], but she did not know (recognize) that it was Jesus. Jesus said to her, Woman, why are you crying? For Whom are you looking? Supposing that it was the gardener, she replied, Sir, if you carried Him away from here, tell me where you have put Him and I will take Him away. Jesus said to her, Mary! Turning around she said to Him in Hebrew, Rabboni!--which means Teacher or Master" (John 20:14-16 AMP)

Jesus called out her name. 

"But now, thus says the Lord, your Creator, O Jacob, And He who formed you, O Israel, "Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name; you are Mine!" (Isaiah 43:1 NASB)

He knows our name.
"For I am His and He is mine."

A gardener..constantly at work. So many weeds to pull and twist and throw out. Grow where He has planted you.

Will we wither and die in apathy? Or will we connect to the constant stream of life? We are redeemed, chosen, called by name, can be given full joy, called a friend by the Lord...will we trust Him? Trust the vine? Not just survive but live and thrive?

Let Him be the Gardener.

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Time to be Real: Wrestling to Be Broken.

Some days, I break away from myself and step back. I analyze this person…personality, attitude, heart, mind, the emotional, physical…being that I am. Is this me? Or is it that I just do not recognize who I am becoming? Did those ugly words really just come from my mouth? Did I really just explode like that? That was not really me who just threw the spatula because I am not even capable of making scrambled eggs without messing up? Oh yes that was me.

On the outside looking in, I grow agitated. I know this is all temporary…made for more…a greater purpose. Is that why it is so hard to move through the routines? Is this why I come undone and lose control? Dodging and sifting through the robotic-surface-level-monotonous beings always moving…those who are missing life?

Allergic to wheat, dairy products, strawberries…and most of all…small talk…fake, false, fa├žades.

I have to remind myself to breathe.
I turn green. I become Hulk. Angry.

We, all living lives, have issues, complications, struggles, triumphs, victories, joys, celebrations, gifts, disasters, chaos, mistakes, failures, temptations, aches. We all live stories…yet when we gather, in a time when it should be embraced to express the chapters of our lives, all of a sudden we turn into models for the next Colgate commercial. People plaster on a smile as big as the moon and start vomiting small talk and good cheer. Let’s all just hold hands and sing if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands. And, at the same time, I cannot handle the people who always have grumpy pants on. The people who make mountains out of mole hills and always have an issue they need to dump on out. Can you stop grumbling please?

The small chatter, the grumbles…it is loud. It is deafening. It is debilitating to the soul.

(I know I am misunderstood. Half the time I do not even understand myself. Complicated is just one of the many qualities I would pin on. And because we live in a world where people get riled and fired up over a comment, I’ll go on to say)...No, it is not wrong to be happy. It is not wrong to smile. I am not saying everyone who is happy is faking it and really hiding a deep dark tragic secret. I know sometimes people want to hold hands and sing and talk about the texture of the chairs they sit in or chicken casserole recipes. Also, I am the first person to admit that there are some weeks where I wear my grumpy pants without washing them…over and over. So we all have been on either side.

I am just saying…it is time to be hungry for the real.

I am sick of us making everything in life all about our selfish selves.

I am tired. I am hungry. I do not feel good. I need coffee. That person looked at me weird. I must be fat. I am too complicated. I am too emotional. I cry too much. I should cry more. I should pray more eloquently. I should read this book. I should go talk to that person. I am bored. I will never amount to anything. I didn’t like the songs we sung this morning. I should have worn something else. I am lazy. I have a headache. I need more caffeine. I should have done these things today. I need more sleep. I should do more. I am not enough. I failed again. I am too angry. I was not challenged enough today. I am facing too many challenges. I am weak. I am caged. I am too shy. I should be more organized. Things never go my way. That person always gets their way. I am a loser. I must be doing something wrong. I must be too quiet. I am unworthy.

This mindset…a piece of our fallen human nature...
"An underlying, gut feeling of failing...I am not enough, and I am too much at the same time. Not pretty enough, not thin enough, not kind enough, not gracious enough, not disciplined enough. But too emotional, too needy, too sensitive, too strong, too opinionated, too messy…shame…”
-Stasi Eldredge Captivating

How many thoughts go through our head, on a daily basis, always about “I”? How can we be better? So…how do we change this heart and mindset? How can we save our lives? Lose it.

“If anyone is going to follow me, he must deny himself,’ Jesus would say repeatedly. In a world where everything revolves around self—protect yourself, promote yourself, preserve yourself, entertain yourself, comfort yourself, take care of yourself—Jesus said, ‘Slay yourself.” –David Platt Follow Me

“If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross daily and follow Me. For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake, he is the one who will save it…” Luke 9:23-24

The themes of this year have all been surrounded around boldness. Following the Lord, with radical actions and losing the life so we can gain true life…the real life. Defeating lies with truth…equipping and engaging the heart, mind, soul in the Word so we can be obedient, willing servants—always hungering for more of Him…doing it all with and by the power of the Holy Spirit who abides within.

How do we do this? What does it look like to actually live a life that is all about, for, with, directed and centered on God?

It is wrestling season in my life right now. God and I have been spending quite a lot of time in the rings. Always wrestling. So many questions, so much I do not understand, challenges, doubts, anxieties, fears, worries, future, circumstances. I am not ok. I am angry. I am overwhelmed. I am frustrated beyond belief. And all this—I give to God. And we wrestle…because He is Father and I am stubborn daughter.

I remember Jacob...“a wrestler like us…refuses to let the man go. He doesn’t even really know who the man is, can’t clearly see his face, but he begs, ‘I will not let you go until you bless me.’ And the man turns to Jacob and gives him a new name. Names him Israel, the God-wrestler. Says to him, ‘You’ve wrestled with God and you’ve come through’…in the black, all that night, it was the face of God over him that he was struggling against. God is behind the faces…”

“There’s always more to the story…the exact significance of God’s touching Jacob upon the sinew of his thigh? The sinew of the thigh is the strongest in the human body. A horse couldn’t even tear it apart…The Lord has to break us down at the strongest part of our self-life before He can have His own way of blessing with us…” -
Ann Voskamp 1000 Gifts

I am wrestling to be broken. My friend reminds me, “He always wins”. And I strive and yearn to lose…to be broken. Isn’t the breaking…part of the blessing? Done so we can lose this life…to embrace Christ? Lose the “I”. To live Radical. To live obedient. To live ready and willing.

It can be easy to come up with excuse. Refuse. Immediately: at once; instantly; without any intervening time or space; in direct relation; as soon as. The word, it describes an action. Over and over it is used to describe the actions of Jesus and the disciples in the Bible.

Why do we drag our feet? I do not always know where it is the Lord calls me to go…but I do know nothing will ever get done by just sitting. We are not saved by works…but do not let that be an excuse for your behavior. Faith always ignites action. We are required and commanded to be obedient…belief should give way to a willing heart.

It is never about us…because we are not worth it. Always about the One who satisfies the languishing soul…Jesus.

It is hard. It is confusing. It requires sacrifice, discipline, brokenness, faith, trust, hope...remember the bigger picture. His will. Because just the thought of being separated from Jesus makes the lungs collapse and heart hurt. Lose the life.

“Not everyone who says to Me, ‘Lord, Lord, will enter the kingdom of heaven, but He who does the will of My Father who is in heaven will enter. Many will say to Me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in Your name, and in Your name cast out demons, and in Your name perform miracles? And then I will declare to them, I never knew you, depart from me, you who practice lawlessness.” Matthew 7:21-23

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

He is so Grace. We are so Blah.

Awaken my soul to sing.
Awaken my heart to beat.
Awaken the hands to give and feet to move...

It is so very difficult...this whole life thing we have to face...

The more I live--the more I realize--there is no recipe or formula for an uncomplicated life. I start the "ifs"...If the Lord only spoke more clearly, if He only gave more specific directions, if He would only just whisper the right choice I'm supposed to make...then I could follow Him more efficiently. 

But it is all about the saving-faith. We wouldn't have to trust. His purposes always include shaping, molding us to be more like Jesus. Why is it so hard to remember this? Why is it so easy to focus on the painful-problems instead of the Solution.

"Simplicity doesn't mean we will live uncomplicated lives. Simplicity is a matter of focus--the grace to focus our lives simply on Christ. Be our sole focus, our only Hope, our deepest joy...That we may abandon all the worries...and abide in all Your word..." -Ann Voskamp

No secret...I love words. I love looking up their meanings, reading through the different definitions, and seeing how the apathy of the world has seeped in and killed most of the original meanings. What if we lived the definition? What if we lived to the fullness of the words? 

Isn't it so like do it all half hearted?

We read verses quickly, we have them memorized--love the Lord your God with [all] your heart, mind, the Lord your God with [all] your heart and lean not on your own understanding..."all" we ever give "all"? What does this even mean?

Do we give God our [whole] heart?

The opposite of whole--damaged, broken, incomplete, in pieces, separate--all of these things are descriptions of who we are when we refuse to go to the One who can complete us...make us whole.

Giving it all is scary. On earth, hearts can be easily bruised. Likes and loves...can leave a heart hurting. Because life is complicated...because my heart aches...we lose focus...take eyes off of the Planner. We start to push our shortcomings and insecurities on Christ. 

If only we could see finished products, that things surely lead and work together for "good"...then maybe I could more easily give Him the "whole" of my heart. If only I knew the aches would pass...then maybe I could surrender my all and trust.

"Faith is the unwavering trust in the heart of God--in the hurt of here..." 

We cry to faithless when He remains so faithful. 

Even when He is silent. Even when He gives an answer we didn't want to hear. Even if His will is different from mine. He is good. He is enough. He is love and I am child.

The only thing that keeps a heart beating, a soul singing, hands and feet moving is the truth that He is God. He is sovereign. He knows it all. He is bigger than the troubles. He is deeper than the pain we feel. Do not let truths grow foggy amidst the complicated life-thing.

We lose friends, people, dreams, plans...disappointments...The hard and ugly can chase one down an even uglier path...or it can lead to rest. When all else fails...His love remains. He is so grace when we are so blah. 

Thankful that He fulfills His part when we fail...weak...too often.

We are so broken, fragile, in pieces, when we try to do this our own weakness. He is the only one who can make us whole if we give Him the whole. He can make steps lead to good. He can awaken a song to be sung--in the complicated. 

The most heart-wrenching words said are the ones we say to let it all go...surrender. Do we trust Him?

Ephesians 1 The Message
"Long before He laid down earth's foundations, He had us in mind, had settled on us as the focus of His love, [to be made whole and holy by His love]'s in Christ that we find out who we are and what we are living for..."

1 Corinthians 13:13 The Message
"Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love." 

Romans 8:26-37 The Message
"Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. 

[That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.] 

God knew what he was doing from the very beginning. He decided from the outset to shape the lives of those who love him along the same lines as the life of his Son. The Son stands first in the line of humanity he restored. We see the original and intended shape of our lives there in him. After God made that decision of what his children should be like, he followed it up by calling people by name. After he called them by name, he set them on a solid basis with himself. And then, after getting them established, he stayed with them to the end, gloriously completing what he had begun. 

So, what do you think? With God on our side like this, how can we lose? If God didn’t hesitate to put everything on the line for us, embracing our condition and exposing himself to the worst by sending his own Son, is there anything else he wouldn’t gladly and freely do for us? And who would dare tangle with God by messing with one of God’s chosen? Who would dare even to point a finger? The One who died for us—who was raised to life for us!—is in the presence of God at this very moment sticking up for us. Do you think anyone is going to be able to drive a wedge between us and Christ’s love for us? There is no way! Not trouble, not hard times, not hatred, not hunger, not homelessness, not bullying threats, not backstabbing, not even the worst sins listed in Scripture:They kill us in cold blood because they hate you.We’re sitting ducks; they pick us off one by one.None of this fazes us because Jesus loves us. I’m absolutely convinced that nothing—nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable—absolutely nothing can get between us and God’s love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us."

Thursday, February 28, 2013

Take Me Deeper. Faith be Made Stronger.

The other day I spent hours crying to Jesus. I literally could not stop the streams of tears drenching my face...

Because we are human...death happens. I am never ready to say goodbye...

As soon as I heard the news, that a person I loved dearly passed away, I felt the strong uncontrollable pull to go to my hiding-prayer-runaway spot to be with the One who knows me best...the One who knows my emotions, understands my thoughts, allows me to cry, to be real, to be hurt and upset and vulnerable--because He is the One who made me. I ran away. I escaped to the beach. And I cried.

I love the moments when I don't have to explain or breakdown my thought process because His overwhelming presence is sweet and smacking me in the face with each crashing wave. He is calling my name. He is jealous and "guarding my heart". Broken--I am singing His name because it holds power and I do not have strength to face this life on my own..

Psalm 18 The Message
"I love you, God—you make me strong. God is bedrock under my feet, the castle in which I live, my rescuing knight...where I run for dear life, hiding behind the boulders, safe in the granite hideout...I sing to God, the Praise-Lofty, and find myself safe and saved...God made my life complete when I placed all the pieces before him. When I got my act together, He gave me a fresh start. Now I’m alert to God’s ways; I don’t take God for granted. Every day I review the ways he works...I feel put back together, and I’m watching my step. God rewrote the text of my life when I opened the book of my heart to his eyes..."

The Lord hears...and yes...He is always there to rescue and the only reason we can find comfort--the only reason we can have hope on this side of Heaven but it still isn't complete and will never be ultimately fulfilled here--we will always long for more of His presence and more of Him--"to want to be where He is"

This is not our final destination. This is not where we belong. 

[1 Peter 2:11; 1 John 2:15
1 John 3:19Matthew 5:13
Matthew 5:4-7; Isaiah 30:15]

Even with hearts yearning to be with God--we have responsibility. We have a purpose to become more like Jesus daily--to worship Jesus in everything we do--to walk in the Spirit--to BE Jesus to everyone with that extravagant and un-cautious love. 

Bold. Be confident in following and seeking. Never settling. 

Oh how short we live here on earth. How little time we have to re-present Jesus to all we come in contact is so easy to become self-seeking, routine-following, sleep-walking, Sunday-sitting-believers. It is always about Him.

Like Peter I want to jump into the crashing waves and walk to the Lord with locked eyes. I want to be the One He chooses and uses. If I need to face fears and get on an airplane to go serve overseas--I will go. I will go. Choose me. I want to be challenged. I want to go deeper--I want my faith to be pushed and made stronger. 

This song--Oceans (Where feet may fail) by Hillsong--listen!! It leaves me undone. As soon as I heard it I had to leave the room and go to Jesus. I had to go and just be...these words are the cry of my heart.  [Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders...Let me walk upon the waters, wherever You would call me...Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander and my faith will be made stronger...In the presence of my Savior] No longer content. No longer comfortable. I want to go deeper.

Because this life is not forever, goodbyes happen, and the unavoidable last breath comes--I want my time here to be spent not just surviving but living with passionate heart-breaking aching love for my Rescuer--that overflows into the rest of life.

Listen to the words of this song..

"You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail and there I find You in the mystery...In oceans deep...My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters, Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide...Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me...You've never failed and You won't start now

[Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior]

I will call upon Your Name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine"

Thank you God that we can always run to You. For always Father, I want to be falling deeper..