From the heart of Abigail Joy
I beg God to give me a word. Through soft sobs I cry out to my Savior…waiting…still….not wanting to miss it…listening for the still small voice to whisper a word…into my heart. A word to silence the ache… A word Father….The word is always the same. The word is always a name…It is always Jesus. Jesus.
The sweet name that holds power, hope, light, peace, & salvation. The name of my Savior. Jesus
I am a spoiled brat. This is fact. What brings me to the point of “aching”? The ache caused by Fear, Anxiety, Panic attacks, Emotions, stress…things that are an overwhelming reality some days. I start focusing on what other people have….and I sit here stubborn that my dreams are still in the wrapping…secure…and unopened.
Raw…the fear and stress boils down….I stop trusting in my Fathers hand. I cease believing that He will take care of me…that He has big things for my life. I forget that His timing is always perfect. I zoom in and forget…that my Father’s love is unconditional…forget that I cannot be separated from His love (Romans 8:35)….
“All fear is but the notion that God’s love ends. Did you think I end, that my bread warehouses are limited, that I will not be enough? But I am infinite, child. What can end in Me? Can life end in Me? Can happiness? Or peace? Or anything you need? Doesn’t your Father always give you what you need? I am the bread of Life and My bread for you will never end. Fear thinks God is finite and fear believes that there is not going to be enough and hasn’t counting one thousand gifts, exposed the lie at the heart of all fear? In Me, blessings never end BECAUSE MY LOVE FOR YOU NEVER ENDS. If My goodness toward you end, I will cease to exist. As long as there is a God in Heaven, there is grace on earth and I am the spilling God of the uncontainable, forever-overflowing-love-grace.” (One Thousand Gifts, Ann Voskamp, 161)
…I forget and forget…
My impatience and little consistency never cease to boggle my mind. How many times do we have to relearn the love. Relearn the promises. Relearn the truth… life is not about us. So often I whine. I whine, whine, whine about how “unfair” my circumstances are. Whenever I zoom in on my little life, I throw temper tantrums. “Well God…Everyone else is receiving “blessings” while I sit here and remain punished…sitting on the sidelines at recess. When will it be my turn? My turn to shine? My turn to get a gift? When will my dreams and desires come true?”
Who am I living for in these self-centered meltdowns? Me…me…my…my…I…I…It is all about me.
How blinded I can become when my focus is staring into a mirror.
We sing a song in church that kept playing through my mind….as I was throwing a temper tantrum…I tried to tune it down but my heart kept turning it up…the words never hit me so hard... “We don’t want blessings. We want You.”
The name. It all goes back to the word that changes hearts… Changes lives...Changes perspective. Jesus.
We know it is all about Jesus. We sing, pray and cry out, “Jesus is enough.” He is all we need to satisfy…meanwhile our hands are grabbing at gold, money, or worldly treasure. How often do our lives sing a different song…”We only want blessings. Not You.” It sounds harsh…and it is...So why do we live this way?
Focus drifts…I drift… before I know it…I start kicking at the dirt instead of looking up at LOVE…He remains as we whine, act like spoiled brats, cry, complain…Jesus remains. When we eventually stop playing in the dirt to look up, our eyes are opened to our actions and we want to know our Savior hasn’t left us. We fear…ache for a word from God…so we can know He remained…Kari Jobe sings…“Standing here beneath the shadow of the cross…I am overwhelmed that I keep finding open arms” …Always open arms…no matter… God is always ready, with strong, guiding, open arms to bring us back to where we belong…He gives us Jesus.
God doesn’t love us to pieces….He loves the pieces of us and makes us whole. He looks at our hearts and sees the heart saying yes….use me…take me…Thank you for always giving grace (Hebrews 4:16)…Thank you.
One Thousand Gifts, by Ann Voskamp, is a book that changes your eyes. God used the book to change my perspective. There is always something to say thank you for…always…even in the hard stuff.
On the “peopled” days where I am irritated, frustrated, or tied down with emotions…the days where I am not voicing thanks…I am aware that un-thanked moments are going by…”gratitude is a memory of God’s heart and to thank is to remember God” (Ann Voskamp 152)….In the midst of my crying or whining…My heart knows that I am not giving notice to the gifts, not thanking my Savior, which cuts communication and squelches joy from having the chance to grow.
“Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good; His love endures forever” 1 Chronicles 16:34
“Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus…” 1 Thessalonians 5:18
“Let them give thanks to the LORD for His unfailing LOVE and His wonderful deeds for men, for He satisfies the thirsty and fills the hungry with good things…” Psalm 107:8-9
Your life may be ugly. We live in a place that isn’t meant to be home…days can be ugly. Are you staring in a mirror? Playing in the dirt? “Open the eyes of our hearts Father”…God is always at work (even in the ugly…lessons are learned)…
Remember the word. Jesus. His LOVE never ends. We have nothing to fear…our Jesus is always here!
Always the name…always to be thankful for…Jesus…