Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Brokenness


[Some days I am plain exhausted.]
I wake up tired...wanting to go back to bed before I have even left the comfort of my covers. Oh but the routines and schedules force me up and out...before long—the hours pass...my eyelids remain droopy...Moon rises--Sun fades...

…finally adrenaline kicks in and at last I'm ready to start the day…The tick tocks rage on...I lay wide awake.

Tick tock...This is one of those nights…

My mind begins the process of analyzing the day, words said, those not, thoughts had. Big questions arise.

Tonight's thoughts: People. Why do people come and go? Why do some people come into your life for only a season and what causes them to move on? Do I push them away? Why do some leave? Why does God choose to intertwine your story with another's?

Disappointing people is unbearable to me. I do not seek out confrontation. I think about the different people who I have come across in my short lifetime of twenty one years and it amazes me how quickly some leave as swiftly as they came.
Could I have done something more to save the connection? To keep them close? Did I push too hard? Were my expectations too high? Was I too much? Or not enough? Was I a friend?

I will not pretend to understand the way God works because He is so much bigger than all of this. I trust and have faith in His power, control and stable hand in each and every moment and event in life. I believe He cares and has a plan and a purpose—always...These are truths I know.

But we do live on this earth that is full of instability and chaos. Full of goodbyes, hurts, disappointments...full of change.

I think about how many times I have had my heart "broken"…

The punk enemy tries to use lies against a girl's fragility. Heightens the insecurities. Never forget the battle that we are in. Those same reminders of times you failed people can creep in...please stay awake. As much as I have grown in the Lord and as much as I continue to fall head over heels I still find moments of frailty where panic attacks set in and lies overwhelm.

But...What if we were to never get hurt again? Would we learn the hard lessons…would we grow...could we connect with Christ in His suffering? Some of the hardest lessons come from the deepest pains? Part of me wants to lock up my heart and never fall again...stop myself from feeling or becoming connected…to put up walls. The Word says to guard your heart--does this mean to put it in a safe and never risk the chance of love? Always guard your heart from sin--from what isn't from above--but from caring too much? A locked up heart with no room to beat can be just as damaging. Our hearts cannot become recluses hiding away afraid to take the climb.

My wise friend once said, "I know one thing: it seems the more authentically I love, the deeper the pain...but also the deeper the joy…maybe that’s it...because without love, we are nothing...sacrificial love…that was what Jesus lived for…so why not we also?"

God always smacks me--right on...I awaken with this revelation.

God gave me a glimpse of the big picture.

I throw around the phrase "broke my heart" too loosely. People cannot be avoided and sometimes you are going to get hurt...But...

The Lord is the only one who can break my heart. He is the only one who has enough power and strength and love to break open my heart and let His grace-love pour in. A boy or people or situations can wound my heart. My heart can become offended by disappointments in life. But in the
big picture...what life is all about...my Lord is still pouring His love into those weak areas if I let Him take the brokenness...to make the ragged broken pieces into something beautiful.

A wounded heart shouldn't keep you from connecting with the source of healing…with God. In this big picture none of this "stuff" matters. What matters is am I still connected? Do I still believe He is good...despite failed expectations...despite constant disappointment...despite these rude awakenings? Truth: Looking up...sitting at His feet...the only thing that matters
is Him. Just to remember is a gift. Just to speak His name.

Why do we so easily give other things or people more control over the heart than the author of romance Himself...

Returning to my first love…I want to dance with my King to the song of all songs...to this love song He so sweetly sings over us.

Break my heart for what breaks Yours Father. Thank you for taking the brokenness and making it into something beautiful for You...Keep making me more like You...into the me you always intended for me to be...thank you for your unconditional and unceasing love...Let us dance away my Jesus into Sweet dreams.


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